Broken Hearts

Today was the status hearing for our little guy.  As we expected the guardian recommended placement with the cousin who was there (I'll get to that later.) without completing the home study.  The judge was not going to have any of that.  He wanted a home study to be completed before placement could occur.  The guardian testified that she had a thorough conversation with the cousin going over her financial situation and her ability to care for   his needs.  To be honest, I don't think the home study will turn up anything, rather I think it will only confirm the guardian's findings.  The judge did order an "expedited" home study which I think means they have 30 days to do it rather than 45.  Once it is complete I'm not sure when placement will occur. It could be soon or three months from now when the next status update takes place.

I know you should not judge a book by its cover, but sometimes it is hard not to do.  The cousin, I am happy to say, appeared to be very nice.  She is young, probably mid-twenties, but she gave me the impression of being a little more mature and simple.  THAT...that right there...is the only thing that makes this somewhat bearable.  Last night the only thing that kept playing through my mind is that I don't want him to be scared.  She looks like the kind of person that would be caring and compassionate, which would make the transition so much easier for him.  I've already started making mental notes of all the things I need to tell her about his habits, schedule, medical needs, etc.  

So where does that leave us?  I find myself feeling a little lost and broken hearted.  I'm trying to redefine my relationship...again... with our sweet boy.  Now I know it is all fresh right now, and as the days go on and the dust settles things will be seen a little more clearly, but right now that is not the case.  I fought hard to overcome the feelings of feeling like a fake mom when we first got him, only to find myself there again.  I'm asking myself the same question...how do you love freely when you feel so guarded and raw, and you know they won't be there much longer???  Since he will be leaving us we are trying to get back to a more normal routine.  More than likely I will return to work next week and end my maternity leave early.  Mom and Shawn will watch him during the day.  If I'm honest, part of me feels a little relieved to have some distance, another part feels guilty for feeling that way, and yet another doesn't want to leave his side.  

I don't know what this means for Shawn and I as we consider our next steps towards parenthood.  I know it is too raw and fresh to make any sort of decision now.  Part of me wants to call it quits.  I don't want to go through this again, even if that means never having kids.  The optimist in me says to press on, and that it will all be worth it.  I just don't know....

The only thing I do know right now is that I have an amazing husband, who will make an amazing father, and who I love more deeply than ever.  I know we will make it through this, and that broken hearts will mend.

Courage

I've spent a few days now with a blank screen trying to figure out what to write and where to start. The only thing I have that explains where we are is a quote I stole from a blog I read.

Lord help us love him like he's ours forever and hold us up if he's gone tomorrow.

Thursday LLT's Guardian At-Litem came to visit before court next week. This is a person who is appointed by the county to act as an advocate for him and works independent of CPS. She told us that if the cousin's background checks come back clean and she feels she would make an appropriate placement then she would be recommending placement without a home study on Tuesday. His caseworker does not want to place him without a completed home study so it will be up to the judge. The guardian will be visiting the cousin on Monday to make her determination. So where does that leave us?


Good question...


There is chance, and I don't know how great of a chance, that he could be moved to the cousin's next Tuesday.
But there is an equal chance that he will be left with us until a home study is completed.
And yet another equal chance that the cousin won't pan out.


The one thing I do know is that this is absolutely agonizing. I've been a mother for two weeks now. And to be honest...the first few days I felt like a fake trying to force a connection with this stranger that was dropped off at my home. But as the days went on with all the feedings, rocking to sleep, cuddles, smiles, family visits, dr. appointments, bath times, tummy time, jumperoo time, walks, trips to the parks...somewhere in all of that...we started to truly fall in love. It feels like he has always been a part of our family. I feel like a real mother now. Shawn feels like a real father now.


And now we could lose him.


How do you guard against the heartache of that? You want to know the answer? You can't. You live each day knowing your heart could be crushed at any moment, but even with that knowledge you still cannot help but love with everything you have.


I recently was told love is worth the pain. If we are able to keep him, it will be worth all the pain you have endured. If we lose him, this will be a stop on our journey to finding our forever family, and the pain of that journey will be worth it in the end. In both scenarios happiness and hope await, we just have to endure the pain of the present. 


We are trying to handle each day with as much patience, grace and love as we can possibly muster. And are asking, "Lord help us love him like he is ours forever (give us courage), and hold us up if he is gone tomorrow."

The Difference A Day Can Make

If you would have told me a week ago that I would be sitting here writing this post while my sweet baby naps in his room I would not have believed you.  This has been one heck of a whirl wind.  Let me tell you how it all started...

This past Tuesday we went down to Round Rock to take a restraint training class at our agency.  At that point October had been the last time we had gotten a call about a possible placement, and that feeling of utter hopelessness was sinking in.  After our training we talked to our case manager.  She told us things were moving exceptionally slow lately, and they weren't sure exactly why.  CPS just did not have that many broadcasts going out.

When we left the office, I felt completely, not just utterly but completely and utterly, hopeless.  I knew it was going to happen eventually...one day...maybe.  Just like a thirsty man knows if he keeps walking in the desert eventually...one day...maybe he will come across some water.  We had a late lunch and then drove back home in silence.  If I only had known what was to come...

Just as we pulled into the driveway our agency called.  They had just been contacted about a seven month old baby boy needing a legal risk placement.  By legal risk they are saying that terminating parent rights is the goal which would free them for adoption.  However when accepting a legal risk placement you can't forget the second word...risk.  There is always a risk associated with it.  Some long lost relative could surface, and they would take precedence over you.  So here are the facts we knew:
        1.  It was a boy.
        2. He is 7 months.
        3.  He has two older siblings that are being adopted by other relatives.
        4.  He had issues with weak neck muscles and flatness in the head, both of which could be                                               addressed with physical therapy.
        5.  We knew termination was the goal.
With those few facts in hand we decided to submit our home study.  That evening we found out that they were wanting to make a decision very soon...as in the next morning.

Remember that was all in the same day.  The next day I went to work and kept a diligent eye on my phone, and tried to stay focused.  Finally, around 5 our case manager contacted us...we had bee selected!  I had always wondered what it would be like to hear those words.  Let me tell you...it was magical!  Not only were we selected, but they were wanting him to be placed that Friday.  CPS also wanted to us to get him a Dr.'s appointment that afternoon to have his head and neck checked out.

Thursday was pretty much a blur.  We were running around crazy trying to get everything ready.  We were filled with excitement and fear, mostly fear.  It is amazing how in one day your entire life can change.  Thursday evening I laid in bed and cried: What was I thinking?  I have no business being a mother.  What if he didn't like me or CPS didn't like us?  What if...what if....what if...

Friday finally rolled around.  Our Gotcha Day had finally come.  Waiting for CPS to arrive was like waiting for your first date to get there or for your cue to head down the isle.  When they called to tell us they were on their way my heart skipped three or four beats.  Any minute they were going to walk through the door and hand me a child...just like that.  And that is pretty much how it happened.

They showed up with the most adorable baby I have ever seen.  He was absolutely perfect.  LLT came right to me.  He cried a little bit, but was easily calmed.  Nothing from that moment in time felt real.  It hardly feels real now.

Now remember how I explained what Legal Risk meant.  Well here is where it comes into play for us.  Much, much to our surprise CPS mentioned an cousin who birth mom said they could look into as a possibility.  So now CPS is researching to see if this cousin would be a good fit for the baby.  If so...we would loose him because we have no legal standing over relatives.  We, along with our caseworker, were in complete shock.  I don't know how likely it is that this cousin will work out.  I don't know what  will happen if mom terminates before we find out.  I don't know if they will let him stay with us if mom feels is ok with it.  There is so much that I don't know...and that scares me.

Now I don't fully understand how this whole process works, but there are some things that I do know.  We are completely falling for this sweet boy, and want nothing more than to make him our own.  I also know that God is bigger than any problem we face.  So I am praying with all my hear that our baby will be able to remain with us, and I ask you to do the same.  Until then, I'm going to love him with everything I've got.

And that, my friends, is the end.

I'm sure I have a ton of grammatical errors, but rather than go back and proof read I'm going to take a quick nap before he wakes up.  I love you guys so much, and thank you for all of your previous and continued support.  You are such a beautiful blessing.