Broken Hearts

Today was the status hearing for our little guy.  As we expected the guardian recommended placement with the cousin who was there (I'll get to that later.) without completing the home study.  The judge was not going to have any of that.  He wanted a home study to be completed before placement could occur.  The guardian testified that she had a thorough conversation with the cousin going over her financial situation and her ability to care for   his needs.  To be honest, I don't think the home study will turn up anything, rather I think it will only confirm the guardian's findings.  The judge did order an "expedited" home study which I think means they have 30 days to do it rather than 45.  Once it is complete I'm not sure when placement will occur. It could be soon or three months from now when the next status update takes place.

I know you should not judge a book by its cover, but sometimes it is hard not to do.  The cousin, I am happy to say, appeared to be very nice.  She is young, probably mid-twenties, but she gave me the impression of being a little more mature and simple.  THAT...that right there...is the only thing that makes this somewhat bearable.  Last night the only thing that kept playing through my mind is that I don't want him to be scared.  She looks like the kind of person that would be caring and compassionate, which would make the transition so much easier for him.  I've already started making mental notes of all the things I need to tell her about his habits, schedule, medical needs, etc.  

So where does that leave us?  I find myself feeling a little lost and broken hearted.  I'm trying to redefine my relationship...again... with our sweet boy.  Now I know it is all fresh right now, and as the days go on and the dust settles things will be seen a little more clearly, but right now that is not the case.  I fought hard to overcome the feelings of feeling like a fake mom when we first got him, only to find myself there again.  I'm asking myself the same question...how do you love freely when you feel so guarded and raw, and you know they won't be there much longer???  Since he will be leaving us we are trying to get back to a more normal routine.  More than likely I will return to work next week and end my maternity leave early.  Mom and Shawn will watch him during the day.  If I'm honest, part of me feels a little relieved to have some distance, another part feels guilty for feeling that way, and yet another doesn't want to leave his side.  

I don't know what this means for Shawn and I as we consider our next steps towards parenthood.  I know it is too raw and fresh to make any sort of decision now.  Part of me wants to call it quits.  I don't want to go through this again, even if that means never having kids.  The optimist in me says to press on, and that it will all be worth it.  I just don't know....

The only thing I do know right now is that I have an amazing husband, who will make an amazing father, and who I love more deeply than ever.  I know we will make it through this, and that broken hearts will mend.