Courage

I've spent a few days now with a blank screen trying to figure out what to write and where to start. The only thing I have that explains where we are is a quote I stole from a blog I read.

Lord help us love him like he's ours forever and hold us up if he's gone tomorrow.

Thursday LLT's Guardian At-Litem came to visit before court next week. This is a person who is appointed by the county to act as an advocate for him and works independent of CPS. She told us that if the cousin's background checks come back clean and she feels she would make an appropriate placement then she would be recommending placement without a home study on Tuesday. His caseworker does not want to place him without a completed home study so it will be up to the judge. The guardian will be visiting the cousin on Monday to make her determination. So where does that leave us?


Good question...


There is chance, and I don't know how great of a chance, that he could be moved to the cousin's next Tuesday.
But there is an equal chance that he will be left with us until a home study is completed.
And yet another equal chance that the cousin won't pan out.


The one thing I do know is that this is absolutely agonizing. I've been a mother for two weeks now. And to be honest...the first few days I felt like a fake trying to force a connection with this stranger that was dropped off at my home. But as the days went on with all the feedings, rocking to sleep, cuddles, smiles, family visits, dr. appointments, bath times, tummy time, jumperoo time, walks, trips to the parks...somewhere in all of that...we started to truly fall in love. It feels like he has always been a part of our family. I feel like a real mother now. Shawn feels like a real father now.


And now we could lose him.


How do you guard against the heartache of that? You want to know the answer? You can't. You live each day knowing your heart could be crushed at any moment, but even with that knowledge you still cannot help but love with everything you have.


I recently was told love is worth the pain. If we are able to keep him, it will be worth all the pain you have endured. If we lose him, this will be a stop on our journey to finding our forever family, and the pain of that journey will be worth it in the end. In both scenarios happiness and hope await, we just have to endure the pain of the present. 


We are trying to handle each day with as much patience, grace and love as we can possibly muster. And are asking, "Lord help us love him like he is ours forever (give us courage), and hold us up if he is gone tomorrow."