Sadness

Six weeks ago we submitted our home study on a three-year-old boy.  This was one of the few emails we received that actually had  a picture attached with the description.  He was the cutest thing I'd ever seen.  While I tried hard not to get too attached I failed pretty miserably, especially here at the end.  I just really hoped this would be the one...

Well today we found out that we will not be getting him.  They are working at placing him with a family member, which is good for him but gut wrenchingly sad for us.  This is the third time we've reached that six week mark only to find out the process hasn't even started.  I feel so sad and so numb at the same time...if that's possible.  

When everything feels so empty it is hard to see how it will work out.  It is hard to keep the faith.

God,

Whatever's in front of me help me to sing hallelujah.

Two For the Price of One

I've been wanting to update my blog for some time now but I don't know what to say or how to express my feelings right now.  I keep hoping that maybe today will be the day I get to write about getting "THE CALL".  Another day passes, no call comes, and the longing in my heart grows.  Sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating and am on the verge of implosion.

I try to let go.  I really do!  I try not to think about it.  I try to ignore the deep yearning.  I try to act like life is going on perfectly fine...I really try.

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Lately I've been wondering if I was ever meant to have biological children.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been feeling more and more called to adoption rather than it being an alternative to fertility issues.  I've been reading a book called Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupeky.  It's been a very educational and eye opening read to say the least.

What I'm seeing is that children in the system are broken and hurting, and have been betrayed by the very people who should care about them the most.  All any of us want is to be worth fighting for.  What does that do to a person...a child...to be told you are not worth fighting for?  The rejection they must experience is gut wrenching.  

Issues such as age, siblings, drug exposure, emotional/behavior issues, etc.  further complicate the matter by making it harder to find placements.  Lately this has weighed me down.  All these children need is a grown-up to stand up and say...scream even..."YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!"  They need adults who will stand in the gap for them, who will help mend their broken hearts.

Parenting in general is a difficult task...then add layers of complex issues surrounding adoption, neglect, rejection, and abuse and I am overwhelmed by the level of the responsibility we are taking on.  I feel honored to be a part of the healing process, and yet scared to death by the unknown.  More and more, I am seeing these beautiful broken children as my purpose and calling.  The verse that keeps coming to mind is "Whatever you do for the least of these you do for me."  

There are issues surrounding this that are fare too personal to put into words for the world to read.  I would just ask that you would come along side us with your prayers and words of encouragement.  God knows our hearts and his purpose.  His timing is beautiful...even if it seems like torture now.