Where Is the Pause Button?

Have you ever just wanted to hit pause on life, to just be still...
                     
                          Not wanting to go backwards...

                                              But not wanting to move forwards either?



Sometimes I want to snap my fingers and have the world just stop...free from all the noise, expectations, and unknown...to just know and feel quietness and peace.  I feel like so many areas in my life are bittersweet, and the thing is I'm tired of the bitter.  I just want the quiet and peaceful sweet.

Monday I was able to get an appointment with a fertility specialist the following week.  I thought for sure it would be the summer before I could get in, so I was shocked when she had an appointment available for the next Tuesday.  Now up until a few weeks ago I had put the idea of me having a biological child to rest, and I was at peace with that decision.  Then I went to a visit with my endocrinologist who told me I gave up too easily on having a child.  It amazes me, even now, how one sentence can hold so much promise and heartache.  That one sentence sent me in a tail spin, but after much deliberation we decided to pursue biological children again, hence the appointment with the fertility doctor.

Part of me is really excited and feels a little rejuvenated that we are moving forward with our lives and are once again working to have a family.  This is the sweetness that I love.  The problem is that this story does not stop with that last period because as soon as those words are out the bitterness sweeps in with its horrid sting.  For every ounce of excitement there is fear.  What if this fails miserably?  I don't want to go back to where I was before when we were trying to have a baby before.   I don't want to be obsessed or broken.  I don't want to be disappointed or heartbroken....I just don't.  I want to enjoy the sweetness.  I just want to stop right here in this moment, where the anticipation and excitement are found, and not move forward into the unknown.  If I don't go forward I don't have to confront disappointment.

I also don't have to worry or deal with the implications for us adopting.  If I'm honest (and I'm sure this is probably a season or part of the process of dealing with loss) but part of me wants to throw in the towel and say forget it.  I am tired of feeling guilty for wanting a baby and not a ten year old, or one child instead of two.  I'm scared of getting THE next call.  Will we have the courage to say yes?  What if this one leaves us too?  What if I'm too scared to bond with him/her?  How do we make it through the waiting to adopt knowing at any moment they can be gone and knowing EXACTLY how deep that pain will go?

And yet knowing all of that, I don't want to give up either because there is a chance that the fertility treatments won't work.  Where would that leave us?  Shawn (he's amazing) reminded me last night that we have to push through the bad to get to the good.  I want to cling to the sweetness of hope that there is good.  I want to press pause and just enjoy that feeling of quiet and peace.   I don't want to acknowledge the bitterness of this journey.

In January I started a weight loss program through the local hospital and have lost almost 35lbs.  It hasn't been easy, but it's been very rewarding.  However within the past week or so I have developed, for lack of a better word, an aversion to the meal replacements.  The thought or action of eating one literally made me sick.  This new development has been very, VERY upsetting.  I don't want to quit the program because I have had such huge success, but I can't keep not eating.  I don't want to quit the program because I'm scared to death of going backwards and gaining my weight back.  I'm equally mortified of moving forwards because it's overwhelming and I don't know what to do.  I just want to be...hit pause...and just be...that's all.

So my question to the universe is how??

How do you learn to just be?

Where is the pause button for life?

How do you learn to embrace both the bitter and sweet parts of life?

Lost

Exactly a month ago today CPS came to pick up our little guy and take him to his new home, and nothing has been the same since.  Right now I feel as though I am walking around in a daze...lost...not knowing which direction I am heading or even where I want to go.  The ugly truth is that you cannot avoid the grieving.  You cannot out run it or escape it.  You can only postpone it.  Eventually you have to acknowledge its unwelcome presence.

I miss him so much that it hurts.  I still want to hurl myself to the floor and throw the biggest tantrum this world has ever seen.  I feel angry that I can't have him back.  There is now this hole, a giant cavernous pit,  in our lives where he used to be.

So what now?

Where do we go?

What do we do?

How do we move on?

How do we find our way?

To further complicate matters, I recently had a visit with my endocrinologist who told me I gave up too soon and too easily on trying to have a baby.  I should have felt encouraged or excited.  But my reaction was quite the opposite.  Inside I was mad.  I had finally, after about two years, made peace with the fact that I wouldn't carry a child.  I didn't want to spend my life charting my periods, peeing on sticks, taking temperatures, or crying in bathrooms every time I started.  During that time I was miserable.  Now I finally have freedom from those feelings and with one simple sentence everything changes.  How dare he?  How do you move forward with fertility treatments and not revert back to obsessing about every small thing?  I don't want to be that way ever agin.

So what now?

Where do we go?

What do we do?

How do we move on?

How do we find our way?

On the adoption front we are back to waiting...again.  For now, I'm ok with that.  In fact for the first time since we started trying to have a family I am ok with nothing happening right now.  I'm ok if takes a while for us to get our next placement.  In fact I worry about it a little bit.  I don't want to hold the next child at arms length.  I don't want to be scared of loving or bonding for fear they will be gone.  This process has given me more patience.  I don't want to go back to where I was before we got him.  I was so desperate and depressed.  The waiting was excruciatingly painful and I felt hopeless.   I don't want to be that way ever again.


So what now?

Where do we go?

What do we do?

How do we move on?

How do we find our way?