I miss him so much that it hurts. I still want to hurl myself to the floor and throw the biggest tantrum this world has ever seen. I feel angry that I can't have him back. There is now this hole, a giant cavernous pit, in our lives where he used to be.
So what now?
Where do we go?
What do we do?
How do we move on?
How do we find our way?
To further complicate matters, I recently had a visit with my endocrinologist who told me I gave up too soon and too easily on trying to have a baby. I should have felt encouraged or excited. But my reaction was quite the opposite. Inside I was mad. I had finally, after about two years, made peace with the fact that I wouldn't carry a child. I didn't want to spend my life charting my periods, peeing on sticks, taking temperatures, or crying in bathrooms every time I started. During that time I was miserable. Now I finally have freedom from those feelings and with one simple sentence everything changes. How dare he? How do you move forward with fertility treatments and not revert back to obsessing about every small thing? I don't want to be that way ever agin.
So what now?
Where do we go?
What do we do?
How do we move on?
How do we find our way?
On the adoption front we are back to waiting...again. For now, I'm ok with that. In fact for the first time since we started trying to have a family I am ok with nothing happening right now. I'm ok if takes a while for us to get our next placement. In fact I worry about it a little bit. I don't want to hold the next child at arms length. I don't want to be scared of loving or bonding for fear they will be gone. This process has given me more patience. I don't want to go back to where I was before we got him. I was so desperate and depressed. The waiting was excruciatingly painful and I felt hopeless. I don't want to be that way ever again.
So what now?
Where do we go?
What do we do?
How do we move on?
How do we find our way?
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