Control

I think there are times that we become so engrossed in a situation that we miss the subtle hints and messages of God.  Sometimes if we don't hear the whisper He gets out the bull horn and turns it all the way up!  That's kind of what happened to me today.

This past weekend I was kind of in a tail spin with our adoption.  Deadlines and processes gave me the illusion of control, but when they all fell apart I was left wanting, struggling and hurting.  I found myself trying to figure out ways to make it work or to hurry things up...as if I have a say.  Then today I got a message from God.  

I told you guys before about the app I signed up for on Facebook.  Every once in a while I'll get a new message.  Take a look at today's message:

Yes, of course, you want control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

How's that for loud and clear?!  This seems to be an ongoing theme in my life right now...surrender control.  

Last week, my husband schooled me on faith.  He asked me if I had been praying about the adoption.  I said of course.  Then he said, "The way I see it, you can either pray or you can worry, but you can't do both."  I thought about that long and hard the days following.  What I realized is that my worry was directly related to the amount of control I have.  In other words, the less control the more the worry.  But if I am turning this over to Him and trusting God to handle it, then I have to be willing to relinquish control...and find a way to be ok with that (substitute: fight, wrestle, strive, work towards, struggle).  It's not an easy feat, and I know I won't get it right all the time, but I am going to try.....REALLY TRY.

Rage Against the Refrigerator: Why I love Camp Gladiator

It's been about six weeks since I wrote my last Rage Against the Refrigerator post.  I've since pulled myself up by the boot straps and worked on getting my act together.  One piece of that process has been to continue going to boot camp.  I've been going to Camp Gladiator off and on for about eight months now (I took a long, LONG break during the summer).

I remember the first time I went, before it started, I sat in my car and cried.  I was so nervous about working out in front of people and was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up.  I thought I was going to make a complete fool of myself.  Looking back on that day, I can't help but laugh because my experience was anything but that.  I left that first workout believing that I CAN DO IT!  Becoming a gladiator is one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself.

Here are my Top 10 Reasons I love CG:
1.  The workouts are different every time so it never gets boring.
2.  The campers and trainers are so friendly and encouraging.
3.  You can go at your own pace and speed...nobody is watching or counting.
4.  I feel stronger from head to toe.
5.  When it's cold outside I can see the steam coming off my body and I feel like a total bad ass.
6.  Jessie (our trainer) is our biggest cheerleader and champion...she keeps me motivated and fills me with hope.
7.  The exercises within the camp are usually done in relatively short burst.  So if I hate it I know it     won't last long.
8.  I try exercises I would have never tried, or believed I could have done, before.
9.  I feel disciplined, which helps keep my eating in check.
10. I feel proud of myself every time I drive off the parking lot.  Look what I just did!

Camp Gladiator is sprinkled throughout the country.  I would challenge and encourage anyone and everyone to give it a try.  Please feel free to contact me if have any questions or would like to come with me one day!

Keeping the Faith

Last week we put a call in to our social worker to get a status update on Baby Boy.  His social worker finally got back in touch with us Tuesday.  It turns out that they are working with the mother towards reunification.  So as with Little Girl, the process has not even been started, and in his case, probably never will.  I felt devastated at the news because once again we found ourselves waiting, holding out for that six week mark, only to find the process had never begun.  

I know that if reunification is possible, and if mom has her stuff together, it is what's best for Little Boy.  Shawn and I are both happy for him, and wish his family the best of luck.  So where does that leave us?  All the way back at square one...no where.

Ok...not no where.  At that moment in time, before I knew what I know now, it felt very much like no where.  It felt lost, empty, and hopeless.  Little did I know that two days later we would get another call about a three-year-old boy.  This broadcast had a picture attached to it, and let me tell you he is a cutie pie.  This is another one of those 4-6 week situations, where we wait and hope things are moving forward.  

Man...there is such a HUGE mixture of emotions whirling around inside of me...excitement, anguish, hope, fear, doubt, frustration, anticipation, peace...at any given second I can experience one or all of these.  Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst wide open.  In those tumultuous moments God steps in.  He tries to bring comfort into our lives when we are hurting, those small reminders to keep pushing us forward.  The day after we found out about Baby Boy I was driving to bootcamp when the song The Climb came on.  Now I'm no Miley Cyrus fan, but the song had me in tears by the time I got there.  Then during the work out, at least two or three songs came on that had the same message...keep moving, push through the struggle, have faith.  I'm thankful for those small moments that encouragement and hope, and help me keep the faith.

A Thousand Years

Sometimes you hear a song that says it all...

Thank you Facebook

I think there are moments in life when people or words cross our path for a purpose...at just the right moment when we need them the most and they speak to us.  They speak to us in a way that's, I don't know, are profound and intimate.  They speak directly to the heart, and tell us what we need to hear, know, and even cling to in that moment.  Some may call it coincidence, but I believe it something bigger, bigger than any of us.

Just yesterday I was looking at my calendar and realized we hit that four week mark waiting for Baby Boy.  Now we are entering that ambiguous part of the four to six week window in which we should hear something about him.  

Part of me feels relief...we will have our answer soon.  I just have to make it another fourteen days.  Another part of me feels anxious and scared because as we saw with Little Girl, anything could happen. As with her, we could reach week six only to find out the process has not even begun and may never.  In these moments you want to cling to hope, but yet hope can be such a dangerous emotion.

And then today I logged on to Facebook.  I saw that I had a notification.  It was from a page I liked called Messages From God.  I can't remember when I liked the page, but today was the first day I opened it.  This is what it said:

 All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger 

    picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.

Those words didn't magically take the pain, sadness, or anxiety away.  No, those are still close to my heart.  Until I have a child in my arms that is completely and forever mine, those will always be there...the proverbial thorn in my flesh.  But...it did remind me that there is a child out there for us.  One that is meant specifically for Shawn and me, and that precious little one is worth the wait.  

No, it didn't' take the hurt away, but it refocused my hope from my situation back to my God.  It gave me the strength to keep walking in the midst of it all.