Resurface

I thought I was doing better...

That I had somehow managed to pull myself together and start moving forward...

At least that's what I thought...

But lately...

It is like someone has come and started picking at the scab.

 It all feels so fresh again.

Maybe this is normal.  Maybe this is how people cope with loss.

I just want to know when I will get over the deep, deep aching and longing for him.

When will I be able to think about him without feeling such incredible sadness and yearning.

Will that ever happen?

Does such a state even exist?




However far I fall I have to remember that my God is there to catch me.

He knows my pain more deeply and intamitely than anyone.

He gives gladness to the mourning and peace for despair.

"Sometimes faith is the absence of fear. Other times faith may be choosing to believe God even when your heart is melting with fear. Perhaps, then, faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it."

I love that quote! So many times we think a life of faith is living without fear or heartache, but really it is about clinging to God in spite of those things. With tear stained eyes and shattered hearts we look to him and cry out...sometimes with sorrow so deep that only He can truly understand and know. It is in those moments that we give birth to faith...when we reach out to Him and cling to his promises with complete and total abandon. Knowing and remembering sorrow endures for the night and that He is there to endure it withs us, even carry us through it. But thank goodness that where there is night morning is not far away. With the sweet arrival of morning comes joy.



So to everyone who is struggling tonight...

      to the broken hearted.....

                to the worn.....

                          to the one in deep despair.....

                                   to the overwhelmed.....

                                            to the scared.....

                                                      to the tired.....

                                                                to the sick....
                                                                           

                                                                         to the broken....

God wants you to know that he is here and that he knows your heart. He wants you to simply, with all of our baggage and junk, run to him. He will give you the strength to let it go. He will give you the strength to get out of bed. He will give you the strength to begin healing. He wants you to know that he does not expect perfection. He just wants you, and for you to know that he will carry you through the darkest of valleys. He wants you to know, that though it takes time, hearts will be mended and spirits will be restored...that joy will come in the morning.

Where Is the Pause Button?

Have you ever just wanted to hit pause on life, to just be still...
                     
                          Not wanting to go backwards...

                                              But not wanting to move forwards either?



Sometimes I want to snap my fingers and have the world just stop...free from all the noise, expectations, and unknown...to just know and feel quietness and peace.  I feel like so many areas in my life are bittersweet, and the thing is I'm tired of the bitter.  I just want the quiet and peaceful sweet.

Monday I was able to get an appointment with a fertility specialist the following week.  I thought for sure it would be the summer before I could get in, so I was shocked when she had an appointment available for the next Tuesday.  Now up until a few weeks ago I had put the idea of me having a biological child to rest, and I was at peace with that decision.  Then I went to a visit with my endocrinologist who told me I gave up too easily on having a child.  It amazes me, even now, how one sentence can hold so much promise and heartache.  That one sentence sent me in a tail spin, but after much deliberation we decided to pursue biological children again, hence the appointment with the fertility doctor.

Part of me is really excited and feels a little rejuvenated that we are moving forward with our lives and are once again working to have a family.  This is the sweetness that I love.  The problem is that this story does not stop with that last period because as soon as those words are out the bitterness sweeps in with its horrid sting.  For every ounce of excitement there is fear.  What if this fails miserably?  I don't want to go back to where I was before when we were trying to have a baby before.   I don't want to be obsessed or broken.  I don't want to be disappointed or heartbroken....I just don't.  I want to enjoy the sweetness.  I just want to stop right here in this moment, where the anticipation and excitement are found, and not move forward into the unknown.  If I don't go forward I don't have to confront disappointment.

I also don't have to worry or deal with the implications for us adopting.  If I'm honest (and I'm sure this is probably a season or part of the process of dealing with loss) but part of me wants to throw in the towel and say forget it.  I am tired of feeling guilty for wanting a baby and not a ten year old, or one child instead of two.  I'm scared of getting THE next call.  Will we have the courage to say yes?  What if this one leaves us too?  What if I'm too scared to bond with him/her?  How do we make it through the waiting to adopt knowing at any moment they can be gone and knowing EXACTLY how deep that pain will go?

And yet knowing all of that, I don't want to give up either because there is a chance that the fertility treatments won't work.  Where would that leave us?  Shawn (he's amazing) reminded me last night that we have to push through the bad to get to the good.  I want to cling to the sweetness of hope that there is good.  I want to press pause and just enjoy that feeling of quiet and peace.   I don't want to acknowledge the bitterness of this journey.

In January I started a weight loss program through the local hospital and have lost almost 35lbs.  It hasn't been easy, but it's been very rewarding.  However within the past week or so I have developed, for lack of a better word, an aversion to the meal replacements.  The thought or action of eating one literally made me sick.  This new development has been very, VERY upsetting.  I don't want to quit the program because I have had such huge success, but I can't keep not eating.  I don't want to quit the program because I'm scared to death of going backwards and gaining my weight back.  I'm equally mortified of moving forwards because it's overwhelming and I don't know what to do.  I just want to be...hit pause...and just be...that's all.

So my question to the universe is how??

How do you learn to just be?

Where is the pause button for life?

How do you learn to embrace both the bitter and sweet parts of life?

Lost

Exactly a month ago today CPS came to pick up our little guy and take him to his new home, and nothing has been the same since.  Right now I feel as though I am walking around in a daze...lost...not knowing which direction I am heading or even where I want to go.  The ugly truth is that you cannot avoid the grieving.  You cannot out run it or escape it.  You can only postpone it.  Eventually you have to acknowledge its unwelcome presence.

I miss him so much that it hurts.  I still want to hurl myself to the floor and throw the biggest tantrum this world has ever seen.  I feel angry that I can't have him back.  There is now this hole, a giant cavernous pit,  in our lives where he used to be.

So what now?

Where do we go?

What do we do?

How do we move on?

How do we find our way?

To further complicate matters, I recently had a visit with my endocrinologist who told me I gave up too soon and too easily on trying to have a baby.  I should have felt encouraged or excited.  But my reaction was quite the opposite.  Inside I was mad.  I had finally, after about two years, made peace with the fact that I wouldn't carry a child.  I didn't want to spend my life charting my periods, peeing on sticks, taking temperatures, or crying in bathrooms every time I started.  During that time I was miserable.  Now I finally have freedom from those feelings and with one simple sentence everything changes.  How dare he?  How do you move forward with fertility treatments and not revert back to obsessing about every small thing?  I don't want to be that way ever agin.

So what now?

Where do we go?

What do we do?

How do we move on?

How do we find our way?

On the adoption front we are back to waiting...again.  For now, I'm ok with that.  In fact for the first time since we started trying to have a family I am ok with nothing happening right now.  I'm ok if takes a while for us to get our next placement.  In fact I worry about it a little bit.  I don't want to hold the next child at arms length.  I don't want to be scared of loving or bonding for fear they will be gone.  This process has given me more patience.  I don't want to go back to where I was before we got him.  I was so desperate and depressed.  The waiting was excruciatingly painful and I felt hopeless.   I don't want to be that way ever again.


So what now?

Where do we go?

What do we do?

How do we move on?

How do we find our way?

Loss in Retrospect

48 hours before....

I was sitting at work trying to get random stuff accomplished making plans for our family vacation. I had been in contact with his case worker about therapy, visits, and vacations. When I got THE email it came totally out of the blue.  It said....

Hi Meghann and Mrs. Thomas,

A temporary hearing has been set for the case for tomorrow at 9am. It is very possible that the Judge will order me to move [him] to the cousin’s home which would mean that he would be moved on Wednesday. You are welcome to attend the hearing. If you do not attend, I will contact you after the hearing to notify you of what happened

At that moment my world stopped. This had always been a possibility. I had just thought that somehow we would make it...we looked like we belong together. I rushed home to see my sweet baby. As I walked in the door he gave that sweet gummy smile, plopped to the floor, and pounded his way to me. That's when the realization hit me...this may be one of the last times I experience this expression of his love for me.

24 hours before...

As we got ready I felt like I was preparing for someone's funeral. I felt anxious and sick.  I walked into court hoping that the judge would see we are the best place, this judge is praised for seeing the big picture. We waited almost 2 hours before he heard our case. When our time came we held hands tightly, whispered quiet prayers, and watched what would become the biggest heart ache of my life unfold.

 His cuss word of an attorney said he could go either way. That little mans placement was a toss up so he guessed he should go along with the guardians recommendation. The judge said, "I may be making a big mistake" and then ruled to place him with the cousin. If i heard one ore time that "he hasn't been in the foster home THAT long" I might scream. Screw you people, it may have only been our home for two short months, but the three of us love each other like he had been there forever. I am thankful that CPS was rooting for us.  They fought hard to keep him in our home. In fact the attorney for CPS apologized profusely and said she felt he would have been better for us.

After the ruling it was like everything froze and nothing made sense. How can I say goodbye to him? How could it feel and seem so right, just to have him leave us? Helpless, hopeless, broken, and empty is all I could feel. 

Family and friends files in and out of our home to say goodbye. The amount of pain and sadness I saw in their eyes was heartbreaking. You see, we weren't the only ones affected by this little guy. Everyone welcomed him into their hearts and lives.  It was a loss for everyone, and that made me feel guilty. I know I shouldn't. But I did. If it wasn't for our need to adopt they would not be hurting right now. I was not prepared for that. 

That night I was scared to go to sleep as if somehow it would usher the day in sooner. I wanted to fight the inevitable, to hold what was to come at bay for as long as possible. This was my pathetic attempt at rebellion. I laid in Shawn's arms and cried my soul out. Helpless, hopeless, empty. 

THE day...

I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw the biggest tantrum ever. I wanted yell and scream and shake my fists the world. How would I ever survive this?????  I felt like I was leading an innocent lamb to the slaughter. This sweet boy who trusted me for everything was about to be betrayed. He had no idea what was coming, but I had to be strong for him. I choked back the tears until I thought I would burst wide open. 

The night before we had packed his toys and clothes. We wanted him to have Lall thecomforts of our home to ease his transition and help him feel safe. The morning passed in a blur. I felt numb. I felt like every minute was bringing me closer and closer to my death. The minutes marched on and could not be stopped. Everything we did was the last time we would do it. 

At 12:30 his caseworker came to pick him up. I remember watching her out him in his car seat and wanting to scream, "Stop! You can't have him!" But I didn't. Instead we kissed him goodbye one last time and watched him drive away. That was it...he was gone. We shut the door, fell to the floor, and cried out hearts out. The house suddenly felt so empty and too small all at the same time. 

After...

The next day I jumped on a plane and headed to Florida to work with Shawn. Each mile we put between us and the empty house was bitter sweet. The distance brought relief from having to make decisions and having to see reminders of him around...the random sock,a dirty bib, a bottle in the sink. But the other side of that was I was getting further and further away from him. What if he needed me? It would take forever to get back to Texas. 

At different times I find myself wondering how he is doing.  Is he happy? Is he scared? Is he waiting for us to walk through the door? Does he think we abandoned him?  Did she put bubbles in his bath the way he likes? 

The truth is you really can't escape reality. There are always reminders and thoughts floating in and out of your mind. The truth is that even though it was a short two months we fell in love, and losing him hurt.  But the greater truth is we are going to make it through this valley, and the greatest truth is God is and will remain faithful through it all. 

Chrystal Thomas

Empty

Today I feel empty...numb...broken.  This is not the outcome we had hoped for.  My baby should be playing at his table or I should be chasing him out of the bathroom for the millionth time...not this.  He left our home today around 12:30, and all I can think is is he ok?  Is he scared?  Is he wondering where we are?  Does he think we've left him?  Little things like a random sock on the counter or bottle in the sink make me want to scream for my baby.

Today I feel empty.

Never Once

On Sunday I heard this song at church and it spoke so beautifully to our situation.  One day we will be on the mountain top...until then...
                               through it all...
                                           God is faithful and never once did we ever walk alone.
This song has become a promise for me.

Change of Perspective

I am so thankful that God's timing is perfect and beautiful.  In our darkest moments he brings people into our lives to breathe breaths of fresh air.

The past few weeks have been really rough.  We have had to live with so much uncertainty and heart ache that at moments it feels like I just might break.  When we began this journey I never in a million years thought we would be where we are now.  I have found myself asking why, why, why...trying to make sense out of any of it.  For a while, if I'm honest, I have been a little bit bitter about that.  I even found myself saying, "If we had only known there was a cousin we would have never said yes."

Today, I feel so ashamed for letting those words escape my lips.  The reality is given the information we had at the moment there is no way we would have ever said no.  I truly believe the process was completely a God thing.  I know that we have a ton of people praying for us, and that brings so much joy to my heart.  Nothing that has happened, or will happen, is outside the will of God.  I know this because, for one, God is faithful and is sovereign, and two, we have countless friends and family praying for the situation. 

What I realized today, is that I would do this all over again if meant I got to have this little man in our lives.  Because what someone told me is true...love is worth the pain.  I would walk across fire for this boy and endure any amount of heart ache.  I think today I became a mother.

Broken Hearts

Today was the status hearing for our little guy.  As we expected the guardian recommended placement with the cousin who was there (I'll get to that later.) without completing the home study.  The judge was not going to have any of that.  He wanted a home study to be completed before placement could occur.  The guardian testified that she had a thorough conversation with the cousin going over her financial situation and her ability to care for   his needs.  To be honest, I don't think the home study will turn up anything, rather I think it will only confirm the guardian's findings.  The judge did order an "expedited" home study which I think means they have 30 days to do it rather than 45.  Once it is complete I'm not sure when placement will occur. It could be soon or three months from now when the next status update takes place.

I know you should not judge a book by its cover, but sometimes it is hard not to do.  The cousin, I am happy to say, appeared to be very nice.  She is young, probably mid-twenties, but she gave me the impression of being a little more mature and simple.  THAT...that right there...is the only thing that makes this somewhat bearable.  Last night the only thing that kept playing through my mind is that I don't want him to be scared.  She looks like the kind of person that would be caring and compassionate, which would make the transition so much easier for him.  I've already started making mental notes of all the things I need to tell her about his habits, schedule, medical needs, etc.  

So where does that leave us?  I find myself feeling a little lost and broken hearted.  I'm trying to redefine my relationship...again... with our sweet boy.  Now I know it is all fresh right now, and as the days go on and the dust settles things will be seen a little more clearly, but right now that is not the case.  I fought hard to overcome the feelings of feeling like a fake mom when we first got him, only to find myself there again.  I'm asking myself the same question...how do you love freely when you feel so guarded and raw, and you know they won't be there much longer???  Since he will be leaving us we are trying to get back to a more normal routine.  More than likely I will return to work next week and end my maternity leave early.  Mom and Shawn will watch him during the day.  If I'm honest, part of me feels a little relieved to have some distance, another part feels guilty for feeling that way, and yet another doesn't want to leave his side.  

I don't know what this means for Shawn and I as we consider our next steps towards parenthood.  I know it is too raw and fresh to make any sort of decision now.  Part of me wants to call it quits.  I don't want to go through this again, even if that means never having kids.  The optimist in me says to press on, and that it will all be worth it.  I just don't know....

The only thing I do know right now is that I have an amazing husband, who will make an amazing father, and who I love more deeply than ever.  I know we will make it through this, and that broken hearts will mend.

Courage

I've spent a few days now with a blank screen trying to figure out what to write and where to start. The only thing I have that explains where we are is a quote I stole from a blog I read.

Lord help us love him like he's ours forever and hold us up if he's gone tomorrow.

Thursday LLT's Guardian At-Litem came to visit before court next week. This is a person who is appointed by the county to act as an advocate for him and works independent of CPS. She told us that if the cousin's background checks come back clean and she feels she would make an appropriate placement then she would be recommending placement without a home study on Tuesday. His caseworker does not want to place him without a completed home study so it will be up to the judge. The guardian will be visiting the cousin on Monday to make her determination. So where does that leave us?


Good question...


There is chance, and I don't know how great of a chance, that he could be moved to the cousin's next Tuesday.
But there is an equal chance that he will be left with us until a home study is completed.
And yet another equal chance that the cousin won't pan out.


The one thing I do know is that this is absolutely agonizing. I've been a mother for two weeks now. And to be honest...the first few days I felt like a fake trying to force a connection with this stranger that was dropped off at my home. But as the days went on with all the feedings, rocking to sleep, cuddles, smiles, family visits, dr. appointments, bath times, tummy time, jumperoo time, walks, trips to the parks...somewhere in all of that...we started to truly fall in love. It feels like he has always been a part of our family. I feel like a real mother now. Shawn feels like a real father now.


And now we could lose him.


How do you guard against the heartache of that? You want to know the answer? You can't. You live each day knowing your heart could be crushed at any moment, but even with that knowledge you still cannot help but love with everything you have.


I recently was told love is worth the pain. If we are able to keep him, it will be worth all the pain you have endured. If we lose him, this will be a stop on our journey to finding our forever family, and the pain of that journey will be worth it in the end. In both scenarios happiness and hope await, we just have to endure the pain of the present. 


We are trying to handle each day with as much patience, grace and love as we can possibly muster. And are asking, "Lord help us love him like he is ours forever (give us courage), and hold us up if he is gone tomorrow."

The Difference A Day Can Make

If you would have told me a week ago that I would be sitting here writing this post while my sweet baby naps in his room I would not have believed you.  This has been one heck of a whirl wind.  Let me tell you how it all started...

This past Tuesday we went down to Round Rock to take a restraint training class at our agency.  At that point October had been the last time we had gotten a call about a possible placement, and that feeling of utter hopelessness was sinking in.  After our training we talked to our case manager.  She told us things were moving exceptionally slow lately, and they weren't sure exactly why.  CPS just did not have that many broadcasts going out.

When we left the office, I felt completely, not just utterly but completely and utterly, hopeless.  I knew it was going to happen eventually...one day...maybe.  Just like a thirsty man knows if he keeps walking in the desert eventually...one day...maybe he will come across some water.  We had a late lunch and then drove back home in silence.  If I only had known what was to come...

Just as we pulled into the driveway our agency called.  They had just been contacted about a seven month old baby boy needing a legal risk placement.  By legal risk they are saying that terminating parent rights is the goal which would free them for adoption.  However when accepting a legal risk placement you can't forget the second word...risk.  There is always a risk associated with it.  Some long lost relative could surface, and they would take precedence over you.  So here are the facts we knew:
        1.  It was a boy.
        2. He is 7 months.
        3.  He has two older siblings that are being adopted by other relatives.
        4.  He had issues with weak neck muscles and flatness in the head, both of which could be                                               addressed with physical therapy.
        5.  We knew termination was the goal.
With those few facts in hand we decided to submit our home study.  That evening we found out that they were wanting to make a decision very soon...as in the next morning.

Remember that was all in the same day.  The next day I went to work and kept a diligent eye on my phone, and tried to stay focused.  Finally, around 5 our case manager contacted us...we had bee selected!  I had always wondered what it would be like to hear those words.  Let me tell you...it was magical!  Not only were we selected, but they were wanting him to be placed that Friday.  CPS also wanted to us to get him a Dr.'s appointment that afternoon to have his head and neck checked out.

Thursday was pretty much a blur.  We were running around crazy trying to get everything ready.  We were filled with excitement and fear, mostly fear.  It is amazing how in one day your entire life can change.  Thursday evening I laid in bed and cried: What was I thinking?  I have no business being a mother.  What if he didn't like me or CPS didn't like us?  What if...what if....what if...

Friday finally rolled around.  Our Gotcha Day had finally come.  Waiting for CPS to arrive was like waiting for your first date to get there or for your cue to head down the isle.  When they called to tell us they were on their way my heart skipped three or four beats.  Any minute they were going to walk through the door and hand me a child...just like that.  And that is pretty much how it happened.

They showed up with the most adorable baby I have ever seen.  He was absolutely perfect.  LLT came right to me.  He cried a little bit, but was easily calmed.  Nothing from that moment in time felt real.  It hardly feels real now.

Now remember how I explained what Legal Risk meant.  Well here is where it comes into play for us.  Much, much to our surprise CPS mentioned an cousin who birth mom said they could look into as a possibility.  So now CPS is researching to see if this cousin would be a good fit for the baby.  If so...we would loose him because we have no legal standing over relatives.  We, along with our caseworker, were in complete shock.  I don't know how likely it is that this cousin will work out.  I don't know what  will happen if mom terminates before we find out.  I don't know if they will let him stay with us if mom feels is ok with it.  There is so much that I don't know...and that scares me.

Now I don't fully understand how this whole process works, but there are some things that I do know.  We are completely falling for this sweet boy, and want nothing more than to make him our own.  I also know that God is bigger than any problem we face.  So I am praying with all my hear that our baby will be able to remain with us, and I ask you to do the same.  Until then, I'm going to love him with everything I've got.

And that, my friends, is the end.

I'm sure I have a ton of grammatical errors, but rather than go back and proof read I'm going to take a quick nap before he wakes up.  I love you guys so much, and thank you for all of your previous and continued support.  You are such a beautiful blessing.