Before getting into the adoption process, I knew it would be hard. But nothing could have prepared me for just how hard it would be. You are on a nonstop emotional roller coaster that take you to the highest of higher, and in a moments notice, plunge you into the darkest and lowest of lows.
Since receiving our license at the beginning of May we have received a total of seven calls for placements. Most have been fairly cut and dry. There have only been two that we have considered or acted on. The first is a three-year-old girl whom we submitted our home study for. Two and a half weeks later, we still have heard nothing...not a peep. So we wait...
The second one we found out about on this past Wednesday...it seems like an eternity ago. We agonized over this one. It was a precious three-month-old boy. All CPS would us was that he was born 12 weeks early and would come home on oxygen. From that we were supposed to make a decision, just like that, to turn our world upside down. Thankfully, the agency we work with hounded CPS to get more information, which still wasn't much. When we began to research the health risks associated with being born that early, we felt it would be too much for us to take on, especially considering how little information they were willing to share.
I have never been so heart broken and confused when we said no before as I was this time. For the past few days I have done nothing but cry and wonder if we had made a huge mistake. How could the right decision feel so wrong? In my journal last night I wrote:
What happens when you have to live in the reality of your choices...
when the only thing you feel is empty, sad, and longing. Was your choice
wrong? Or, was it just a hard decision to make, in which you have
to live in it's bitter aftermath?
It finally got to the point where I had to turn it over to God. Last night I prayed that he would help me to see his will and hand in this situation. I needed some sort of peace or release, so that I could begin to move forward.
Today, I got that release. Our agency emailed us asking for an up-to-date copy of our auto insurance policy. My curiosity got the best of me. So I asked if they had any new information about the baby. Today, she emailed me back. They had a family go to the hospital for the baby. He was much more frail than what CPS had let on. Rather than being born at 28 weeks, he had been born at 23 weeks, and had a long way to go. She reminded me that things often turn out the way they do for a reason, and that Shawn and I would find a match we would both feel comfortable with.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Now that I can see the bigger picture, I understand why we were not able to get him. I feel peace in knowing, that even though it was a hard decision, we made the right one. I also have peace in knowing that this sweet baby is with a good family who is equipped to care for his needs.
So, thank you God for hearing my prayer and answering me.
No comments:
Post a Comment