In a few weeks we will know if we were chosen for one or both of the children...just like that. What if they don't pick us for either of them? What if they pick us for both of them and we have to choose one? What if she is scared of me? What if we have to start the process all over again? What will happen when everything that is normal and comfortable changes? There is so much hope riding here, and with one simple phone call everything will change, for better or worse.
That huge cloud of the unknown that looms before us and cannot be subdued. It's bitter and violent wind take your sight away, and leave you staggering forward, each step less steady than the one before. I feel helpless, and out of control. The answers that wait for us on the other side scare me.
I never thought I would say this but there is safety in the waiting. Everything is so final when the waiting is over. At least when you are waiting, you can you can relish in the hope and dreaming, and altogether avoid the finality of the answers to come.
Today at church we sang one of my favorite songs. The chorus says:
Hallelujah hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah
As that beautiful melody filled my ears and thoughts, their implications weighed heavy on me. I could sing...
Hallelujah hallelujah
They didn't choose us
Help me to sing Hallelujah
or
Hallelujah hallelujah
I'm becoming the parent of a child I do not know
Help me to sing Hallelujah
or
Hallelujah hallelujah
My child wants another woman she calls mother
Help me to sing Hallelujah
or
Hallelujah hallelujah
Everything I knew and was comfortable with has changed in the matter of moments
Help me to sing Hallelujah
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God, whatever is in front of me, give me the strength and hope to face it. Help me to sing hallelujah.
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