Rage Against the Refrigerator

Just a heads up, this post has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with my compulsive overeating.

Anyone who says compulsive overeating is not an addiction has either (a) never struggled tirelessly fighting food, (b) never had an addiction to begin with, or (c) is just plain stupid...yes I said...stupid.  I hear people say it is a choice, not an addiction.  However I would contend that it is a choice in as much as alcoholics choose to drink or smokers to choose to smoke.  Likewise, just as smokers and alcoholics turn to their instrument of choice to cope with life, compulsive overeaters find solace in food.

Am I proud of it?  No

Am I trying to make excuses?  No

Am I embarrassed at my eating habits?  Yes

I think in some ways smokers and alcoholics have it easier.  You can go out of your way to avoid liquor and cigarettes, but you can't avoid food.  For one it is required to sustain life, and second, it is at the crux of almost every social event or exchange.  For example my husband smokes (huge gasp!).  He has been trying to quit off and on for years.  This week is "the week".  He is throwing in the towel.  He will stay home and avoid going out to stores or around people who smoke, until he's gotten over the worst of it.  I can't do that.  I have to put food in my mouth three to five times a day, and with each meal fight my own micro-battle.  (Please do not take this as me making light of the struggles smokers and alcoholics face...their battles rage on just as brutally.)

And you know what...I'm tired.

I'm tired of going it alone, of having no body there to help me and cheer me on.  When has war ever been won that had one person fighting an entire army?

I'm tired of feeling like a failure, because I just can't seem to do it.

I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of feeling ugly and looking at myself in the mirror never to find peace.

I'm tired of food having this control over me.

I'm tired of the grieving process you go through when you say good by to your old ways of eating.

I'm tired of carrying 250lbs around with me everywhere I go...yes you read that correctly.

I'm tired of the judgement I'll get when some of you read that.

I'm tired of having to shop in the plus size section, never feeling comfortable in my clothes.

I'm tired of feeling guilty that my weight is most of what is keeping me from getting pregnant.

I'm tired of peoples pity.

Most of all...I'm just tired.

About five years ago now, I had the most amazing friend, MJ.  We lived in Lebanon together, and she was my rock.  We both worked out at the same gym, which is how we started hanging out...that and our hearts club.  Those were the good times!  We depended a lot on each other...when I was feeling totally down and "blah" she was there to push me and drag me to the gym...and vice versa.  That year I lost almost 60lbs.  We were in it together...I didn't fight that war alone.  I miss that friendship so much, it makes me cry sometimes.

As I sit here typing this, I know its a matter of making a simple choice...just flipping the switch...  I know it's a call for reflection and trying to determine why and who I am really doing the for, and what drives this unhealthy and inappropriate relationship with food.  I know that it takes a total commitment.  In overeaters anonymous (and AA i think) they say "Half measures availed us nothing."

I know...

I know...

I know...