Merry Christmas

I wanted to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers a very merry Christmas. I am so thankful for each and everyone of you.

Blogging about our journey has been the best form of therapy and comfort for me. This has been a difficult journey for us, with many ups and downs and close calls. Having people who support you and carry through when you have nothing left in you gives us the strength to keep moving forward. And that, my friends, is the greatest gift ever.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Baby Update

I've been staring at this screen for about five minutes, trying to figure out where and how to start this post...trying to figure out how to balance faith with worry, hope with despair.  The thing it is my natural inclination to choose faith and hope.  I want to believe in a miracle, but it is so scary sometimes.  All I can do is tell this story with the honesty and wait to see where God takes me.

I have a friend, we'll call her C.H. for privacy sake.  Four weeks ago I had written a post called Two For The Price of One where I shared about not getting the little boy.  That same day I also friended C.H. on Facebook.  Through a series of events, that I can only describe as God's perfect timing, C.H. was in a place where she had internet access and could get on to Facebook.  The following Monday we chatted for a while and she told me about reading my blog and how she felt lead to talk to me about a woman she knew.  She told me it weighed so heavily on heart that she had trouble sleeping.  She wanted to be able to talk to both me and the birthmother.

Of course I was all for it.  That night she told me that C.H. called me and told me that she spoke with the birthmother who was 35 weeks pregnant.  The reasons for her wanting to give up her child are far to personal for me to broadcast so I am not going to go into them here.  In fact, I will say that I have a lot of respect for her.  She could have easily gotten rid of it, but instead chose to carry the baby.  Birthmother wasn't sure what she was going to do once she had him (yes, its a boy), she just knew that she was not in a place to keep him.  C.H. told her about us, and she was receptive to hearing.  She told C.H. that she would keep that in mind as she made her decision.

Weeks went by and we didn't hear anything.  At that point I'd all but written it off, or at least tried to.  It continued weighing on my heart, but I wasn't really sure what to do about it or how to respond to it.  I didn't want to put C.H. in an awkward place, and not knowing the mother I could not walk up to her front door step and beg her to consider us.  I just wasn't sure what to do.  Well, in the past week, C.H. began to hear snippets of what was going on at home from one of birthmom's children.  The plan was still to give the baby up for adoption.  Finally the news came that the sweet baby boy was born this past Thursday.

Through a series of events, C.H. felt lead to reach out to the family again.  This time she spoke with the grandmother, who all but raises the children.  Through that conversation, it was made very clear that birthmother would not be in a place to bring the baby home.  Again, C.H. shared information about us with the grandmother.  She explained that we had all of our paperwork in line to adopt, and that we were just waiting for a child.  The grandmother asked for me to send her our information so that she could give it to birthmom. The impression I got from the replay of the conversation is that the grandmother was in favor of us, or at least that we might be a good possibility.  The idea being that giving the baby to someone who is known would be better than abandoning it at the hospital or turning it over to CPS care.  Grandmother also asked C.H. to visit her in the hospital because birth mom could use extra support.  So it was decided that she would go, and take our homestudy with her.

This was another incredibly surreal moment for me.  I got our papers together, and as I was thinking it C.H. was saying might be nice to write her a letter.  What do you write to a woman who may consider giving you her child?  Hi my name is Chrystal.  Can I have your baby?  NO!?!  As I wrote my simple note, my heart ached for her.  This is no small decision...giving up your baby.  It takes a lot of courage.

At that moment I looked back and remembered how God had strategically placed each piece of this puzzle together.  There is no doubt in my mind that his hand was at work...none.  Then it hit me...what I've been waiting for (for what seems like my whole life) might actually happen.  As far as we know we are the only actual family they know about, other than CPS, and her plan was to give the baby up for adoption. I just felt so overwhelmed emotionally and spiritually by what was unfolding before me.  I felt an urgency to find people who would intercede on our behalf so I posted on Facebook asking for our friends to be praying for us.  I was absolutely blown away by the response.  Sometimes when your in the middle of a situation, it easy to feel isolated or forgotten.  The amount of comfort and peace I felt was incredible, and I am so thankful for each and everyone of you.

That evening C.H. went to the hospital to visit birthmom ad the baby.  She told C.H. that she was not sure what she was going to do.  She went into the hospital saying she was going to give the baby up, and now she was really struggling with that decision.  She has nothing at home for him, the only close he wore were the hospital gown and diapers.  C.H. left our paperwork with her and told her that she would be praying for her as she made her decision.  When I heard this my heart broke again, I can only imagine...even if was the plan all along...how hard it would be to give your baby to a perfect stranger.  If she chooses to go through with the adoption, I can only begin to fathom the amount of grief she will feel, and it makes me so sad for her.  For this reason, I am asking you to join my family in praying for her, asking God to give her strength, courage, and comfort.

And that is where we stand today...

There has been no other news.  She should be discharged either today or tomorrow.  So all we are left to do is wait.  Shawn went ahead and went to the art show they had scheduled for this weekend.  I've done small things to prepare just in case that phone rings.  I have a car seat and crib ready and waiting.

I wish I could describe the way I am feeling right now, but my words seem to fail me.  There is a part of me, in my heart of hearts, that believes this baby is meant for us.  If I wasn't afraid of the pain of disappointment I would believe whole heartedly.  But there is a part of me that is scared and questioning.  What does all of that stuff mean, if she doesn't choose us?  Why would God lead this far, only to take a U-turn in the opposite direction?  I want this so badly, and it is almost within reach.  How do I pray bold prayers of faith?  The only thing that I can pray right now is that God will help me to have the faith I need to walk in the road he has laid out for me.  So with all my heart I ask that you would surround us, my family and the birthmothers family, as we walk this road.

Laughter is Good for the Heart!

A couple of months ago my husband saw a PSA by Adopt US Kids that perfectly depicted what our family is going to be like!

This PSA sent us on quest to find other's out there!  Here is what we came up with!  Let me know which is your favorite!

Sadness

Six weeks ago we submitted our home study on a three-year-old boy.  This was one of the few emails we received that actually had  a picture attached with the description.  He was the cutest thing I'd ever seen.  While I tried hard not to get too attached I failed pretty miserably, especially here at the end.  I just really hoped this would be the one...

Well today we found out that we will not be getting him.  They are working at placing him with a family member, which is good for him but gut wrenchingly sad for us.  This is the third time we've reached that six week mark only to find out the process hasn't even started.  I feel so sad and so numb at the same time...if that's possible.  

When everything feels so empty it is hard to see how it will work out.  It is hard to keep the faith.

God,

Whatever's in front of me help me to sing hallelujah.

Two For the Price of One

I've been wanting to update my blog for some time now but I don't know what to say or how to express my feelings right now.  I keep hoping that maybe today will be the day I get to write about getting "THE CALL".  Another day passes, no call comes, and the longing in my heart grows.  Sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating and am on the verge of implosion.

I try to let go.  I really do!  I try not to think about it.  I try to ignore the deep yearning.  I try to act like life is going on perfectly fine...I really try.

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Lately I've been wondering if I was ever meant to have biological children.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been feeling more and more called to adoption rather than it being an alternative to fertility issues.  I've been reading a book called Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupeky.  It's been a very educational and eye opening read to say the least.

What I'm seeing is that children in the system are broken and hurting, and have been betrayed by the very people who should care about them the most.  All any of us want is to be worth fighting for.  What does that do to a person...a child...to be told you are not worth fighting for?  The rejection they must experience is gut wrenching.  

Issues such as age, siblings, drug exposure, emotional/behavior issues, etc.  further complicate the matter by making it harder to find placements.  Lately this has weighed me down.  All these children need is a grown-up to stand up and say...scream even..."YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!"  They need adults who will stand in the gap for them, who will help mend their broken hearts.

Parenting in general is a difficult task...then add layers of complex issues surrounding adoption, neglect, rejection, and abuse and I am overwhelmed by the level of the responsibility we are taking on.  I feel honored to be a part of the healing process, and yet scared to death by the unknown.  More and more, I am seeing these beautiful broken children as my purpose and calling.  The verse that keeps coming to mind is "Whatever you do for the least of these you do for me."  

There are issues surrounding this that are fare too personal to put into words for the world to read.  I would just ask that you would come along side us with your prayers and words of encouragement.  God knows our hearts and his purpose.  His timing is beautiful...even if it seems like torture now.

Control

I think there are times that we become so engrossed in a situation that we miss the subtle hints and messages of God.  Sometimes if we don't hear the whisper He gets out the bull horn and turns it all the way up!  That's kind of what happened to me today.

This past weekend I was kind of in a tail spin with our adoption.  Deadlines and processes gave me the illusion of control, but when they all fell apart I was left wanting, struggling and hurting.  I found myself trying to figure out ways to make it work or to hurry things up...as if I have a say.  Then today I got a message from God.  

I told you guys before about the app I signed up for on Facebook.  Every once in a while I'll get a new message.  Take a look at today's message:

Yes, of course, you want control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

How's that for loud and clear?!  This seems to be an ongoing theme in my life right now...surrender control.  

Last week, my husband schooled me on faith.  He asked me if I had been praying about the adoption.  I said of course.  Then he said, "The way I see it, you can either pray or you can worry, but you can't do both."  I thought about that long and hard the days following.  What I realized is that my worry was directly related to the amount of control I have.  In other words, the less control the more the worry.  But if I am turning this over to Him and trusting God to handle it, then I have to be willing to relinquish control...and find a way to be ok with that (substitute: fight, wrestle, strive, work towards, struggle).  It's not an easy feat, and I know I won't get it right all the time, but I am going to try.....REALLY TRY.

Rage Against the Refrigerator: Why I love Camp Gladiator

It's been about six weeks since I wrote my last Rage Against the Refrigerator post.  I've since pulled myself up by the boot straps and worked on getting my act together.  One piece of that process has been to continue going to boot camp.  I've been going to Camp Gladiator off and on for about eight months now (I took a long, LONG break during the summer).

I remember the first time I went, before it started, I sat in my car and cried.  I was so nervous about working out in front of people and was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up.  I thought I was going to make a complete fool of myself.  Looking back on that day, I can't help but laugh because my experience was anything but that.  I left that first workout believing that I CAN DO IT!  Becoming a gladiator is one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself.

Here are my Top 10 Reasons I love CG:
1.  The workouts are different every time so it never gets boring.
2.  The campers and trainers are so friendly and encouraging.
3.  You can go at your own pace and speed...nobody is watching or counting.
4.  I feel stronger from head to toe.
5.  When it's cold outside I can see the steam coming off my body and I feel like a total bad ass.
6.  Jessie (our trainer) is our biggest cheerleader and champion...she keeps me motivated and fills me with hope.
7.  The exercises within the camp are usually done in relatively short burst.  So if I hate it I know it     won't last long.
8.  I try exercises I would have never tried, or believed I could have done, before.
9.  I feel disciplined, which helps keep my eating in check.
10. I feel proud of myself every time I drive off the parking lot.  Look what I just did!

Camp Gladiator is sprinkled throughout the country.  I would challenge and encourage anyone and everyone to give it a try.  Please feel free to contact me if have any questions or would like to come with me one day!

Keeping the Faith

Last week we put a call in to our social worker to get a status update on Baby Boy.  His social worker finally got back in touch with us Tuesday.  It turns out that they are working with the mother towards reunification.  So as with Little Girl, the process has not even been started, and in his case, probably never will.  I felt devastated at the news because once again we found ourselves waiting, holding out for that six week mark, only to find the process had never begun.  

I know that if reunification is possible, and if mom has her stuff together, it is what's best for Little Boy.  Shawn and I are both happy for him, and wish his family the best of luck.  So where does that leave us?  All the way back at square one...no where.

Ok...not no where.  At that moment in time, before I knew what I know now, it felt very much like no where.  It felt lost, empty, and hopeless.  Little did I know that two days later we would get another call about a three-year-old boy.  This broadcast had a picture attached to it, and let me tell you he is a cutie pie.  This is another one of those 4-6 week situations, where we wait and hope things are moving forward.  

Man...there is such a HUGE mixture of emotions whirling around inside of me...excitement, anguish, hope, fear, doubt, frustration, anticipation, peace...at any given second I can experience one or all of these.  Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst wide open.  In those tumultuous moments God steps in.  He tries to bring comfort into our lives when we are hurting, those small reminders to keep pushing us forward.  The day after we found out about Baby Boy I was driving to bootcamp when the song The Climb came on.  Now I'm no Miley Cyrus fan, but the song had me in tears by the time I got there.  Then during the work out, at least two or three songs came on that had the same message...keep moving, push through the struggle, have faith.  I'm thankful for those small moments that encouragement and hope, and help me keep the faith.

A Thousand Years

Sometimes you hear a song that says it all...

Thank you Facebook

I think there are moments in life when people or words cross our path for a purpose...at just the right moment when we need them the most and they speak to us.  They speak to us in a way that's, I don't know, are profound and intimate.  They speak directly to the heart, and tell us what we need to hear, know, and even cling to in that moment.  Some may call it coincidence, but I believe it something bigger, bigger than any of us.

Just yesterday I was looking at my calendar and realized we hit that four week mark waiting for Baby Boy.  Now we are entering that ambiguous part of the four to six week window in which we should hear something about him.  

Part of me feels relief...we will have our answer soon.  I just have to make it another fourteen days.  Another part of me feels anxious and scared because as we saw with Little Girl, anything could happen. As with her, we could reach week six only to find out the process has not even begun and may never.  In these moments you want to cling to hope, but yet hope can be such a dangerous emotion.

And then today I logged on to Facebook.  I saw that I had a notification.  It was from a page I liked called Messages From God.  I can't remember when I liked the page, but today was the first day I opened it.  This is what it said:

 All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger 

    picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.

Those words didn't magically take the pain, sadness, or anxiety away.  No, those are still close to my heart.  Until I have a child in my arms that is completely and forever mine, those will always be there...the proverbial thorn in my flesh.  But...it did remind me that there is a child out there for us.  One that is meant specifically for Shawn and me, and that precious little one is worth the wait.  

No, it didn't' take the hurt away, but it refocused my hope from my situation back to my God.  It gave me the strength to keep walking in the midst of it all.

Numb

Today we got rather disheartening news.  As of Wednesday we had been waiting six weeks since we submitted our home study for Little Girl.  All this waiting was supposed to culminate in finding answers, but it didn't.  I feel numb, sad, angry, frustrated...but mostly numb.

Earlier this week we emailed our caseworker to see if she could find out more information on where we were in the process.  Today we got the answer...nowhere.  Apparently Little Girl is struggling with some emotional issues so they have decided to hold off on finding a placement.  Once they feel she is doing better they will proceed.  So I asked our caseworker if that meant they hadn't even looked at the home studies they collected.  Her answer...Yes.  

All of this waiting was supposed to be taking us somewhere.  There was supposed to be an end in sight.  But there isn't...once they feel she is ready (if they ever do) they will begin the six to eight week process of finding her a forever home.

When I heard this news I felt like I was caught in a tail spin.  I kept telling myself that I could make it to the six week mark everything would be ok.  Every day we were getting closer and closer.  Just hang in there.  Now I'm on an indefinite path that may not lead any where.  Now please do not confuse what I am saying.  I want them to do right by Little Girl and make the best placement decision for her.  I can understand why they are waiting, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I feel like I'm back at the starting gate again....and all I feel is numb.

God, whatever's in front of me, help me to say hallelujah. 

The Wait

I've had this new post up for about two days now.  I've written and deleted about five times, trying to think of something clever to say.  I've been putting off updating because I've been hoping that today will be the day.  Today I will get to email you and tell you that we will be parents...but sadly that day hasn't come.  

Each day weighs a little heavier on me than the day before.  I feel more anxious, nervous, and frustrated.  I hate waiting in general, but waiting for something as incredible as this is almost excruciating.  When people try to comfort me by telling me its worth the wait, it only makes me more frustrated.  I KNOW that is true, but my heart has a hard time following suit and it aches.  

So we are still waiting.  We've been waiting for 5 1/2 weeks for little girl and 2 weeks for baby boy.

God, help me to trust your perfect timing.  Whatever's in front of me...rejection, parenthood, more waiting, the unknown, happiness, heartache, whatever...help me to say hallelujah.  

Whatever's In Front of Me...

I'm scared.

In a few weeks we will know if we were chosen for one or both of the children...just like that.  What if they don't pick us for either of them?  What if they pick us for both of them and we have to choose one?  What if she is scared of me?  What if we have to start the process all over again?  What will happen when everything that is normal and comfortable changes?  There is so much hope riding here, and with one simple phone call everything will change, for better or worse.

That huge cloud of the unknown that looms before us and cannot be subdued.  It's bitter and violent wind take your sight away, and leave you staggering forward, each step less steady than the one before.     I feel helpless, and out of control.  The answers that wait for us on the other side scare me.

I never thought I would say this but there is safety in the waiting.  Everything is so final when the waiting is over.  At least when you are waiting, you can you can relish in the hope and dreaming, and altogether avoid the finality of the answers to come.

Today at church we sang one of my favorite songs.  The chorus says:

Hallelujah hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me 

Help me to sing Hallelujah

As that beautiful melody filled my ears and thoughts, their implications weighed heavy on me.  I could sing...

Hallelujah hallelujah

They didn't choose us

Help me to sing Hallelujah

or

Hallelujah hallelujah

I'm becoming the parent of a child I do not know 

Help me to sing Hallelujah

or

Hallelujah hallelujah

My child wants another woman she calls mother 

Help me to sing Hallelujah

or

Hallelujah hallelujah

Everything I knew and was comfortable with has changed in the matter of moments 

Help me to sing Hallelujah

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God, whatever is in front of me, give me the strength and hope to face it.  Help me to sing hallelujah.

Fortune Cookies

Shawn and I went to a restaurant called Fire Bowl in Austin. His fortune is on top, and mine's on bottom. Is someone trying to tell us something???

Bringing Me Back

I think this is about the fifth time I've tried to write this entry.  For some reason, I can't seem to get my thoughts to flow.  I think it's because I am still grappling with them, and trying to wrap my head around all of their implications.  So here is what's going down...

Today, while having lunch with a coworker, I got an email from our case worker about a baby boy.  This isn't all that uncommon.  I'm trying to build thicker skin because I found myself emotionally invested after reading the first word.  And even though in the past the answer was no (Which was the right answer for us.) it is still hard to say.  You are snuffing out the life of a dream.  Even though it lasted only moments, it was a dream none the less, and with it came hope and expectancy.  As I read over baby boy's information quickly my heart skipped a beat, several beats, and a dream was born.  Unlike its predecessors, this dream was promising...it just might work.  I forwarded the email to Shawn, and promptly texted him to check his email ASAP.  The dream lived on.  I called him, and there wasn't much to discuss, we both felt we should submit our home study.  The dream lived on.  We called our case worker and told her to submit.  She told us there wasn't a deadline or timeline that she could find in the file, but that she assumed it would be a few weeks before we heard anything.  And the dream lives on...while we wait...until it either blossoms into reality or disappears altogether.

Most of you know that this is not our first time to submit on a child.  We also submitted our home study on a little girl about  four weeks ago.  Another dream that has taken up residence in purgatory waiting for its sentence.   The hard thing is that little girl is a dream that I have had time to become quite familiar with, and have begun to hope earnestly for.   And incase you didn't know....hope is a dirty business.  It's messy and unnerving, and has the power to create and destroy.  

---Holy cow, I just got it.  Hope, when put in the wrong thing or process is messy, but when put in God it is safe.  Why?  Because he is unchanging...he will be there no matter what the answer for baby boy or little girl is...There is a purpose and plan that goes beyond their answers.  When I put my hope in the process, that is when it becomes messy, because the process can break my heart.  Geez, how's that for a little bulb coming on!  Ok...back to my post--

There are several ways this could play out:
1.  We only get baby boy.
2.  We only get little girl.
3.  We get both little girl and baby boy.  (No lie, but I like number 3.)
4.  We don't get either of them.  (My least favorite, but I trust that there is a child out there that is for us.)

It is in the mess and chaos of this whole process and all of its unknowns that I feel like God is bringing me back to Himself.  That he is trying to show me to trust him, and reminding me that he has a plan for us.  And, as of five minutes ago...that hope placed in Him, is not messy, because he will always be...no matter what our answers are for baby boy or little girl.  Today as my mind swam in the possibilities, these verses kept coming back.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (NIV)
Proverbs 37:4, 7 "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires...Be still in the presences of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So now, with properly placed hope,...we wait.

Rage Against the Refrigerator

Just a heads up, this post has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with my compulsive overeating.

Anyone who says compulsive overeating is not an addiction has either (a) never struggled tirelessly fighting food, (b) never had an addiction to begin with, or (c) is just plain stupid...yes I said...stupid.  I hear people say it is a choice, not an addiction.  However I would contend that it is a choice in as much as alcoholics choose to drink or smokers to choose to smoke.  Likewise, just as smokers and alcoholics turn to their instrument of choice to cope with life, compulsive overeaters find solace in food.

Am I proud of it?  No

Am I trying to make excuses?  No

Am I embarrassed at my eating habits?  Yes

I think in some ways smokers and alcoholics have it easier.  You can go out of your way to avoid liquor and cigarettes, but you can't avoid food.  For one it is required to sustain life, and second, it is at the crux of almost every social event or exchange.  For example my husband smokes (huge gasp!).  He has been trying to quit off and on for years.  This week is "the week".  He is throwing in the towel.  He will stay home and avoid going out to stores or around people who smoke, until he's gotten over the worst of it.  I can't do that.  I have to put food in my mouth three to five times a day, and with each meal fight my own micro-battle.  (Please do not take this as me making light of the struggles smokers and alcoholics face...their battles rage on just as brutally.)

And you know what...I'm tired.

I'm tired of going it alone, of having no body there to help me and cheer me on.  When has war ever been won that had one person fighting an entire army?

I'm tired of feeling like a failure, because I just can't seem to do it.

I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of feeling ugly and looking at myself in the mirror never to find peace.

I'm tired of food having this control over me.

I'm tired of the grieving process you go through when you say good by to your old ways of eating.

I'm tired of carrying 250lbs around with me everywhere I go...yes you read that correctly.

I'm tired of the judgement I'll get when some of you read that.

I'm tired of having to shop in the plus size section, never feeling comfortable in my clothes.

I'm tired of feeling guilty that my weight is most of what is keeping me from getting pregnant.

I'm tired of peoples pity.

Most of all...I'm just tired.

About five years ago now, I had the most amazing friend, MJ.  We lived in Lebanon together, and she was my rock.  We both worked out at the same gym, which is how we started hanging out...that and our hearts club.  Those were the good times!  We depended a lot on each other...when I was feeling totally down and "blah" she was there to push me and drag me to the gym...and vice versa.  That year I lost almost 60lbs.  We were in it together...I didn't fight that war alone.  I miss that friendship so much, it makes me cry sometimes.

As I sit here typing this, I know its a matter of making a simple choice...just flipping the switch...  I know it's a call for reflection and trying to determine why and who I am really doing the for, and what drives this unhealthy and inappropriate relationship with food.  I know that it takes a total commitment.  In overeaters anonymous (and AA i think) they say "Half measures availed us nothing."

I know...

I know...

I know...

Thank you God for day and night.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like we had 24 hours of total day or total night? Until tonight I hadn't either...don't worry!  When I thought about it, all of one and complete absence of the other would be unbearable.  As I consider the possibilities I was reminded of the beauty found in balance.

That's what Shawn is for me.  He is is the day to my night.  We are different sides of the same coin.  He is the counterweight that provides balance in our relationship.  I am the emotional one.  Love will conquer all so let's throw caution to the wind and go for it.  If it were up to me, we would probably have 100 kids by now and adopting five more!  Shawn on the other hand is very thoughtful and analytical.  He is slow to act because he is deeply reflective, and wants to have all the information and weigh all the possibilities .

There are times that it drives me absolutely crazy, but yet in hindsight, I can see how he has saved us from getting into things we may not have been ready for.  I see the beauty in  our balance, and not a day goes by that I am not thankful for him.  God definitely knew what hew as doing bringing us together.  He is a wonderful husband, and my best friend.  I love his kindness and generosity...not to mention the fact that he's a total stud!  There is not a single doubt in my mind that he will make the most AMAZING father ever.

Until then...

I am going to work on trusting and appreciating the balance that he brings to my life.

I love you Shawn.

Hindsight, how I love you!

Before getting into the adoption process, I knew it would be hard.  But nothing could have prepared me for just how hard it would be.  You are on a nonstop emotional roller coaster that take you to the highest of higher, and in a moments notice, plunge you into the darkest and lowest of lows.  

Since receiving our license at the beginning of May we have received a total of seven calls for placements.  Most have been fairly cut and dry.  There have only been two that we have considered or acted on.  The first is a three-year-old girl whom we submitted our home study for.  Two and a half weeks later, we still have heard nothing...not a peep.  So we wait...

The second one we found out about on this past Wednesday...it seems like an eternity ago.  We agonized over this one.  It was a precious three-month-old boy.  All CPS would us was that he was born 12 weeks early and would come home on oxygen.  From that we were supposed to make a decision, just like that, to turn our world upside down.  Thankfully, the agency we work with hounded CPS to get more information, which still wasn't much.  When we began to research the health risks associated with being born that early, we felt it would be too much for us to take on, especially considering how little information they were willing to share.  

I have never been so heart broken and confused when we said no before as I was this time.  For the past few days I have done nothing but cry and wonder if we had made a huge mistake.  How could the right decision feel so wrong?  In my journal last night I wrote:

           What happens when you have to live in the reality of your choices...  

         when the only thing you feel is empty, sad, and longing.  Was your choice 

          wrong?  Or, was it just a hard decision to make, in which you have 

           to live in it's bitter aftermath?

It finally got to the point where I had to turn it over to God.  Last night I prayed that he would help me to see his will and hand in this situation.  I needed some sort of peace or release, so that I could begin to move forward.

Today, I got that release.  Our agency emailed us asking for an up-to-date copy of our auto insurance policy.  My curiosity got the best of me. So I asked if they had any new information about the baby.  Today, she emailed me back.  They had a family go to the hospital for the baby.  He was much more frail than what CPS had let on.  Rather than being born at 28 weeks, he had been born at 23 weeks, and had a long way to go.  She reminded me that things often turn out the way they do for a reason, and that Shawn and I would find a match we would both feel comfortable with.  

Hindsight is always 20/20.  Now that I can see the bigger picture, I understand why we were not able to get him.  I feel peace in knowing, that even though it was a hard decision, we made the right one.  I also have peace in knowing that this sweet baby is with a good family who is equipped to care for his needs.  

So, thank you God for hearing my prayer and answering me.

How did we get here?

Our wedding on Mustang Island = The Best Day Ever!

Shawn and I have been married for about two and a half years, and have decided we wanted to start a family.  About a year ago I went off the pill hoping to make that happen.  Unfortunately, it hasn't been all that easy, no thanks to polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).  I rarely, if at all ovulate, which is kind of important when your trying to have a baby!

We haven't gotten very far into the whole fertility treatment process.  I've tried drugs like Metformin and Prometrium, neither of which did anything but turned me into a crazy person!  (You can ask me my husband!)  My obgyn says I can start chlomid once I have lost 30lbs, so instead I gained 15 more!  My weight has ALWAYS been an issue and is standing in the way of me being able to get pregnant...at least one of the reasons.  You'd think that would be all the motivation one needs to make some major changes.  But what I have come to realize about compulsive overeaters, like myself, is that food is an addiction that is hard to kick.  Choosing to give up certain foods or lifestyles, is like breaking up with a boyfriend.  There is a period of grief you experience that almost breaks you.  It is your safe haven when times are stressful.  It's the one thing that will always make you happy, if only for a few minutes.  Yeah...in case you didn't notice I have some serious issues with food, but I digress!

Back to the adoption...

This whole process has caused me to really contemplate the true meaning of motherhood.  For so long, it meant carrying a baby inside me, feeling it kick, rushing to the hospital because it was time, and bringing a new life into this world.  If that is motherhood...what does it mean for those who may never experience those things?  Would that make us any less mothers?  Yet it is a crushing blow every time you pee on a stick and see nothing.  You hold the pregnancy test in the light and out of the light.  You hold it far away and up close.  You tilt it this way and that...hoping that somewhere behind that glossy window a faint line is struggling to be seen.  In two to three minutes you are defeated.  You are unable to do the one thing you, as a woman, are supposed to be able to do...make a baby.

What do you do with that?  What does it mean?

What I have come to realize is that it doesn't mean anything.  Don't get me wrong delivering a baby and holding it for the first time is a magical moment that I will always long for, but is it something I need?  Those are dreams I am beginning to let go of, because as I begin to redefine motherhood those things are not important.  A mother is someone who loves her child with every ounce of her being...I can do that.  They soothe and comfort owies and broken hearts...I can do that.  They are your biggest fan...I can be that.  They pick you up when you fall down, brush you off, and send you on your way again...I can do that.  They teach how to be the best human being you can possibly be...I can do that.   None of these things require pushing a baby out your body, but rather they require a choice to accept the role.
As we've begun this process, I see there are children all around me who need someone to accept the call to motherhood on their behalf.  I can be that person for a child whose birthmother could not.

So, here we are...

Waiting...

Waiting for that call that will change our lives forever.